hey guyses! how are you?
tomorrow i will be starting abc
today was crap, foodwise.
i did exercise, i am proud. but i did eat a lot,
:(
this is a long post, but please read all of it, i really want someone to understand.
basically, i had the fright of my life today.
i wore a short skirt and skin colour tights, because the weather looked reasonably hot. i wanted to flaunt my tight unwobbly thighs.
basically we were sitting down in the common room eating lunch and my friend said i had writting on my thighs, he could see through the tights.
my heart stopped.
i felt like passing out. basically, he saw my cuts, but he didnt know.... he saw my cuts!!!! noone has ever seen them...EVER!
i pretended to not hear him and he said it again and started reading what it said.. "MUM..GOD..FML.."..'why are there random writtings on your thighs, he asked..?"
my heart was literally jumping out of my chest. i had to come up with a lie fast.guys i felt like crying. i am a bad lier, and i crumble under pressure.
i said my sister and i were playing with henna (a sort of dye indians use for weddings to draw on their skin. its pretty.
so i explained how my sis got some and we were drawing on ourselves. he beilived it.
all attention was on me, and they all asked whether i did it on my arms ad whether i could show them. i said no, and tried desparately but calmly change the topic. everyone was beleiving the lie, while i thought they all knew.
i couldn't breathe. my mood fell right down. i couldn't go back to being my bubbly self. ofcous noone else knew what was going though my head and they were wondering why i was all of a sudden upset. i went and sat in the toilet for five minutes wanting to cry so bad, i just wanted a time out. i breathed in and out, almost had a panic attack.
noone knows about my cuts, but the thought that someone saw, the fact that i've become to careless.
and also i have been sort of depressed lately, because the weather is so good, but i can't wear my anything nice and sexy, i have to cover up. long sleves for summer. i was counting on wearing short shorts and longsleves so it doesnt look to unbalanced. but now i'm too consious to show my legs, so everyone will think i am weird all covered up in 30 degree heat.
although i am in britain, so we'll be lucky if we get more than 20degrees. i really hope we have a cold summer, i feel bad, you know with everyone hoping for a heat wave, but i want the snow back. i like covering up in my many layers.
sorry about the babbling on, but i had to let it all out babes. thats what the blog is for right? i hate my life.
xxxxxxx thankyou for listening.
progress
Wow, that's horrible babe! But I thought you'd let the cuts heal? I didn't think you'd made any new ones in a while? Are they not healing??
ReplyDeleteDon't worry about summer cloths babe, maybe opaque tights are the way to go! Then you can wear all the short shorts you want!
Don't worry about the food, I mean you did workout so it's not that bad. God, I got scared reading this post. That was a veery close call.
Love you and I hope everything works out. Xxxooo *hugs!*
Nice cover up story, Im glad that your friends didn't question it. I have some scars as well, be patient and they'll hardly be noticeable. I can imagine how nervous you were. I know how you feel, once when my boyfriend grabbed my arm to look at it I felt this rush of heat go through me and got that feeling of getting caught doing something bad like when you were a tike and then you have to think of something to say. It's terrible...sorry if this doesn't make make any sense. :P
ReplyDeleteThats so scary i can remeber the first time t found out it was so idk the worst gut renching feeling i ever have had. Are you okay though i understand how just completely crazy and out of control that whole deal can make you feel?
ReplyDeleteLove dnt worry about the food today you will demolish the abc diet you are awesome and can do it with ease!
Oh and you should give yourself more credit the cover up story was so amazing! Miss quick on her feet! =)
stAy stroNg! thiN(k) thiN!
xoxo Lyndee
That has happened to me and it is terrifying - like being caught naked in front of your entire school. My heart is racing just reading this, and I want to give you a hug! I'm sorry and hopefully they will back off and forget about it - I guess it's just time to be more careful :-(
ReplyDeletethats so terrible! I used to cut on my wrists and only one person ever noticed, I told him it was my cat! it was so awful, I almost vomited, so I know how you feel- but yours is even worse because there was more than one person there!
ReplyDeleteon the plus side it means he was checking out your legs, right? :) And everyone believed you, girl!
think thin and stay strong- you're doing a great job! I don't know much about ABC but I would LOVE to do it with you if you can explain what it is! I'll stick to it the best I can with family coming to stay!
scars fade, even when you think they won't. i promise.
ReplyDeleteThis is what we all fear. Our secret being found with out us knowing untill the last second. Every time I find out I have a doctors appointment or my friends ask where I was at lunch or why I'm not eating lunch today (I'm out of money, I'm not feeling well, Huge breakfast) or any thing I can misconcede as "Hey umm I suspect you of your ED" My heart beats and I want to cry. Shut the fuck up you people cant just leave me allone. OMG can't believe they saw your cuts. What did you do about the rest of the day? Amazing excuse though. Can't believe they bought it. Hope your cuts heal up soon. <3
ReplyDeleteHeynow, it's okay (:
ReplyDeleteYou came up with a cover story, but what we need to think about is how we need to:
a) Try to get you to self harm less
b) Try to make sure it's in places that can't be seen.
c) Be safe about it
d) Let the scars fade
I have cuts too. My friend Andrew saw my wrist today, he didn't see anything but I caught him looking. That feeling when your heart stops,, you breathe faster, you feel sick? I know it all too well.
It's going to be okay, you just have to give it time (:
~Twigs.
xx.